Since I've been very ouchie lately the nice doc suggested that I see a chiropractor. I said..."uh...are you crazy? I've seen people get their necks twisted on TV and they didn't live through it."
But then the ouchies got worse.
And then I started asking around.
Turns out lots of people have went to a chiropractor when they're pregnant and they didn't die. Then there were the people who go outside of pregnancy and they're not dead either. So I made an appointment...reluctantly.
This is not my first chiropractor appointment. Well, it's the first time I've ever been, but not the first time I've made an appointment. I had one made a year or two ago and chickened out. The neck snapping thing really freaks me out. Plus, I'm one of those people that can't pop their own knuckles without crying...
The nice receptionist told me to go online and print out my new patient forms to be filled out before I came into the office. Ever the rule follower, I did. This is what I saw:
"The human body is designed to be healthy. Throughout life, events occur which damage your health expression. This case history will uncover the layers of damage, especially to your nerve system, that resulted in poor health. Following your exam, your Chiropractor will outline a course of care to begin to correct these layers of damage and recover your innate health potential."
Ok...I'm tracking so far. Designed to be healthy, blah, blah, damage gets done, blah, blah, let's fix the damage.
And then I started to fill out the 'case history' section.
And I got a little scared. Primarily because of this sentance:
"Let's begin at birth when you first damaged your nerve system, lost your wellness and began your journey to ill health."
Thus follows are actual questions from my case history questionairre:
Were you taught how to care for your spine? Uh...well, my momma always told me sit up straight. Does that count?
Did you fall out of bed? Seriously? I can't remember any right off the top of my head but I'm sure it happened once or twice.
Any childhood sicknesses? I had chicken pox once. Does that count? A couple common colds happened too...
Did you fall while learning to walk? Are there children that don't fall?
Were you picked on by siblings? No....but what does that have to do with damage to my nerve system?
Chair pulled out when you sat down? Hahaha...that's such a funny joke!
Did you fall down stairs? I do this at least twice a week...
Were you yanked by your arm? There was this one time that I tried to walk out in front of a car at the supermarket and my mom grabbed my arm and jerked me back. I should send her the invoice for this visit...
Do you eat healthy foods? Of course! :: munching on Oreos ::
Do you have occupational stress/physical stress/mental stress? Again, seriously? Is this some sort of test to weed out the liars who try to get chiropractic care? If I put yes does that mean I'm creating some kind of loss of wellness and I'm contributing to my journey of ill health? But if I put no he'll know I'm lying...
So....by this point I'm really scared because I'm pretty sure that my neck will be snapped and I'll die. He'll probably sever my spinal cord too so if I somehow make it out alive I'm surely paralyzed. AND now his paperwork makes him sound like a total wacko.
Regardless, I said my goodbyes to my loved ones and took a stroll around the house to try and memorize the sensation of walking (just in case he really paralyzes me) and set off to the chiropractor.
Dana went with me to ensure that I didn't wuss out.
After all my worrying the whole thing really wasn't that bad. He didn't seem too wacko at all...he actually seemed knowledgeable. Some of the stuff he said went right over my head and I consider myself to be an pretty smart cookie. Could have been that he was saying it before the whole neck snapping part so I wasn't paying too much attention either...
I was very honest with him and told him up front that I was pretty sure he was going to kill me by snapping my neck. He said that since my primary expectation was not to die he didn't feel too insecure going into this thing. He also said that in chiropractic school they learned the "3 second rule" so if someone's head falls off he's got 3 seconds to put it back straight before they die. Ha. Ha. HA. My chiropractor has a sense of humor...it's kinda sick...but it made me giggle.
He did try to pop my neck. I thought I was going to cry...not from pain, but from FEAR! I tried really hard to remember all those meditation classes I went to so that I could create a meditative state of calmness...didn't work. He tried to ease my fears by showing me how "not" to snap someone's neck and then of course the proper way to do so.
I ain't gonna lie...they seemed the same to me.
So I have a rib that's out, some inflammed muscle tissue and some home exercises to do. And I go back next week. Yay...