Projectile Poop

I got pooped on today.
Not just any poop. It was the projectile kind.
I'm talking it seriously FLEW across the room.
In hindsight I should have just stood there and took it. I should have just let it get all over my shirt. But I didn't...
In my defense I think it's some sort of self preservation/defense mechanism to leap to the side if something unpleasant comes flying towards you.
So anyhow, I ducked. Well, more like jumped to the side. If I had ducked it would have been in my hair (gag!).
The poop was EVERYWHERE. Seriously.
Here is a list of everything that got pooped on.
1. My shirt
2. My jeans
3. The changing table pad
4. The changing table wood
5. The carpet
6. Katie, the MIL, clothing
7. Chai
That's right, she pooped on Chai too. The poor dog got pooped on.
We were all standing in the room when it happened. All I can remember is shrieking to Dana that Chai had been pooped on and to clean her off...
It was bad ya'll. Seriously. Bad.

Exploding brains

Yes. You read that correctly. My brain is about to explode.
Why is that you ask?
Baby carriers.
That's why!

I am having the most difficult time deciding on a baby carrier. For the life of me I do not understand why this is such a stressful task for me-it's just a silly baby carrier. We chose the kid's name easier than this silly baby carrier!
I think the drama lies in the fact that there are so many options. It's simply too hard to choose!
You gotta think about weight limits.
You gotta think about straps vs. snaps vs. ties
You gotta think about color.
You gotta think about if it can be worn on the front AND the back
And most important-I would prefer if it was sorta cute. Don't judge my priorities!

You know where all that leaves me? Nowhere.
If the carrier has a good weight range it can't be worn on the back. If I would wear it then Dana will not-and vice versa. If it has a decent looking (and by that I mean simple) snapping mechanism then it doesn't carry infants. If it's kinda cute then it only ties and who wants to look like a giant Christmas present while sporting a big ole bow?
Not I.

::sigh::

See...this is what a lack of sleep does to me. It makes me irrational!
I can usually make simple decisions-but not now apparently.
I think I shall sleep on it. I will make a decision in the morning.

In the words of Scarlett O'Hara (because every good southern girl can name at least 10 good quotes from Gone with the Wind): "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."

Hypochondriac...

So....I just might have convinced myself I was developing preeclampsia and going into pre-term labor a few days ago. 
At this point I think I'm wrong...
Well, I'm pretty sure I'm wrong.
Ok, fine. I'm wrong and just plain silly...
I was doing my little weekly reading in all my little pregnancy books when they started talking about that darned preeclampsia and lo and behold one of the symptoms is pain in your right side at your rib cage. For anyone that's talked to me in the last two weeks my ribs are KILLIN' me! Especially the right side, because this child looooooves that side. I seriously wonder if my belly button will ever return to center...
I'm not joking. I have witnesses! You can poke at my left side and it's kinda soft and squishy...but poke the right side and it's super hard and there are some sort of body parts over there. The child is all wadded up on the right.  She tried to kung-fu my stepmom for mashing on her the other day. But I digress...
Back to my development of hypochondriasis preeclampsia.
So, I tucked this little tidbit of knowledge away in the depths of my brain and kept on going with my day. And later I had a few Braxton-Hicks. Oh. My. Gawd. I'm. In. Labor!!
(Ok...I'm exagerating slightly. I really didn't think that 100% but it's making the story better right? I probably only about 23% believed it. I still have excellent blood pressure which I believe is one of the first things to go in preeclampsia)
So what did I do?
I went shopping.
It seemed logical at the time.
I figured, I don't have anything packed to take to the hospital if I really do have to go.
So I bought a ton of those cute travel size toiletries at the store

Long story short, it seemed a lot more urgent at the time but looking back I think I made up some symptoms in order to go shopping...

Oops...

So, I made a tiny little mistake today.
It was really rather minor...don't know why everyone freaked out so much.

Let me first paint you a picture of the scene:
I'm standing in the hallway at work standing with one of my clients. We were in front of the little sliding glass window waiting for the secretary to find her another appointment. The doctor was in the office searching through charts.  The nurse was chatting to the doctor.  My boss was in there doing something too...

Now this is what my client asked me:
Client: "So...do you think you'll have the baby early, late or on time?"

This is what I wished I'd have said:
Me: "Well, if she's anything like my husband she'll be late because he's a procrastinator."

This is what I actually said:
Me: "Well, if it's my husband's child she'll be late because he's a procrastinator."

Everyone's reaction:
Everyone: ::insert mouth open, wide eyed, gaping stares::

Ooops........

Doctor Visit

***Post could include some MAJOR whining...be warned***

I have another doctor appointment today...in about 3 hours to be exact. I would like to say that something fun and cool will happen during the appointment but I believe that I'll mostly just whine. I've been saving up a LOT of whining for this one. I'm hoping if I start the whining early she'll be more sympathetic later on...or else she'll be soooo sick of me she'll slip me some secret, labor-inducing med. There will be so much whining going on that I've made a list of all the subjects I wish to make a whiney comment on just so I don't forget anything.
My list includes:
1. Work
2. Ribs -mine, not the BBQ covered pork kind
3. Sleep
4. Left leg numbness and butt cramps
5. Anger/Crying mood swings
6. How to wash the dog since I can no longer bend over
7. The state of the US economy
8. How to add 3 inches to my height
Ok...maybe not all of those are really on the list....but some are!
Is it bad that I'm already at the burnt out point and I still have about 10 weeks to go? I think that's bad...I was hoping to save burn out till about week 35.

***I think the whining just became complaining...uh oh....***

Let me tell you something else that's been bugging me lately...since I'm on a roll at this point...I am sooo tired of people asking me how much farther I have to be pregnant! Now, I can excuse the random stranger on the street because they don't know but I'm talking about the people that I see ALL THE TIME that keep asking me. If I have to tell our psychiatrist (the one at work, not my own. i don't have one of those yet but give it time) one more time how many weeks along I am I might throw his prescription pad at him.  Ok. I just decided to no longer excuse the random stranger on the street. I'm tired of them too. It's especially getting old because the next two questions (very predictable) are 1. Is it a girl or boy? and 2. What are you going to name her? I've decided to start switching up answers at work. Next time the shrink asks it's a boy and his name is Freud.

I'll let you know if the doctor is sympathetic to my woes...I'm hoping that she will be. She had a little boy about 9 months ago. She's got to be on my side...

When the moon hits your eye...

The hubby has started a guard duty that is conveniently only required every other day. Today just happened to be his day off. I made pizza for lunch.
Now before you go off thinking what a good wife I am let me just mention that it was only one of those pizza's you buy in the freezer section at the store. There was minimal effort involved.
Well, I thought it would be minimal effort. Apparently I decided to do the MOST MINIMAL I could do and cooked that bad boy with the cardboard still attached!
Nope, it didn't catch on fire.
There was a plumber in the house at the time I realized my mistake though. I hurried to shove the pizza back into the oven before he could notice. Why I thought it would be horribly embarassing I dunno...
Oh wait, because it would have been.
Who cooks a pizza with the cardboard bottom still on it?
Me.
And if anyone is curious about just what happens if you lose your mind and decide to make your own pizza with the cardboard attached...it's not all that interesting. The top cooked beautifuly as normal but the bottom was slightly mushy. Not mushy enough to be doughy or gross just not that yummy crispiness that pizza bottoms are supposed to be.
I don't think Dana even noticed.
Of course I didn't tell him either...

Oops...

And I forgot to explain how forgetful I am.
I'm not even going to try to say that it's the whole pregnancy fog/forgetfulness.
Yesterday I made coffee. I filled up the coffee maker, put a filter in the basket and turned it on.
Dana pointed out that if you don't actually put coffee in the filter you just get hot water.
Which is what we got.
Oops...

Pouting...

I feel like a fat, little sausage today.
Which strangely makes me want some Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
I do see how self-destructive and slightly illogical that is.
Either way, I still want some!

My round ligaments and I are breaking up...

Dear Round Ligaments:

I think it's time that you and I had a talk. 
I recognize and take full responsibility for the fact that I have taken you for granted the majority of my life, in fact, I just found out that you were in existence a mere few weeks ago. I have to admit that the short time we have spent getting to know each other has not been a pleasant one. The aches and pains have got to go.
I realize that you have a very important job holding up my uterus and all of that but I don't think it's working out between us. I am breaking up with you and would like your achy pains to go away! Normally, in a situation such as this I'd try to explain how it's not you but me which is the cause of the downfall, but I'm going to be honest and place lots of emphasis on how it is indeed you causing all the pain!
I know this comes as a shock, and I feel truly terrible posting our personal business on such a public forum. Please forgive me, and I will work to forgive and forget all of this pain you have caused me.  I would like for us to remain friends (please don't just leave my uterus hanging or anything drastic like that).
Hugs and Kisses,
Beth +1

The joys of mental health...

I've just recently started telling my clients and co-workers about the pregnancy, and so far there's been a very mixed reaction. I decided that second trimester was far enough along to tell and that they needed to know since it will affect their treatment.
I don't know what I'm thinking expecting sane behavior from the mentally ill...but I decided to share with you guys because it made me laugh :-)

Client #1: This girl acted like I have been her BFF for E (best friend for ever) after I told her the news. She lept out of her chair, hugged me, and cried like this was the BEST NEWS EVER. Mind you, we've only had about 4 sessions together and I doubt she could actually tell me my last name...can we say narcissism?
Client #2: This guy gives me a petrified look and goes, "You're going to leave me....??" My reaction, "Uh...yes, for a short time at least as I take maternity leave but that is still many months away. You will be referred to one of the other therapists in case you need to talk with someone while I am away." Guy: "But you will come back to me right...??" Me: "Ummm...you do know that this is not a breakup or anything...I think you're taking it a tad too personal."
Client #3: *Who happened to find out from client #1...grrr...gossiping clients* Client: "Why did you tell her first??? We've known each other longer and you decided to tell her first??? I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell me."

At this point in my day I gave up telling clients. Three is a good number in one day. Maybe tomorrow I'll try again. Check back for updates or feel free to start guessing diagnoses. It could be a fun game ;-)

Fantasy...

"I know what he did to you.
But Beth, I would never
ever do that."

"You're so beautiful."

"Don't leave."

"Ok....:-)"

"Umm....you do know he's not talking to you right?

It's just a preview."

Ok....so *maybe* Taylor Lautner (aka: Jacob Black) wasn't really talking to me but it sure felt that way! Needless to say, we are going to see New Moon tonight, and I cannot wait!!! I don't care if I have to go get a catheter put in I'm NOT getting up to go to the bathroom!!!  I'm going to squeal like a little girl, and God help Dana if he even tries to talk in the middle of the movie!